|
|
|
|
August 22nd, 2005
12:09 am - This I Begin
This I begin to share with the world how I feel and how I have felt. Embarking on this thought process is painful for me, but not as painful as allowing myself to shove it all in and keep it to myself. I'm overwhelmed by what I need to say. I want to write it all down NOW. But it's going to take time. And I will allow myself that. But I do have thoughts for tonight.
Tomorrow I will go to a licensed polygraph provider in my state, located through the yellow pages. I can think of no other way to show everyone and anyone, and especially my son that I did *NOT* ever try to extort money from any party as a promise for exchange for Anthony. I am innocent. And I have been bludgeoned by people who are willing to make up lies to take *MY* precious baby, and cut me completely out of his life, never allowing me to see him again, or him me. How painful is that? Despite the knowledge that God knows all and knows my innocence and that I will not be made to suffer any longer when I finally leave this life just doesn't seem to cut it. It erases none of the pain. I *LOVE* him, I love him so much. The only thing I wanted for him was something so beautiful and something so pure, and in all my naivety I couldn't see that NO ONE here is completely pure, or any more pure than I am. I made a mistake and apparently in this case I don't deserve a second chance. My only hope is the appeals board, I pray to God nightly that *someone* on the appeals board has sense enough to know that it is NOT okay to keep a child from his mother, and vice versa, without some very good reasons. There is so much I did not bring up in court, the fact that I had used a Xanax an hour before I went to sign the papers. And though those papers have been found to be invalid and who knows if I would have signed had I not been medicated, if the proper people required were actually there? I very well may have not. I relayed my fears and conerns to S.S. I should be allowed no slack, though, I made my choice, the choice of a grown woman who knows right from wrong, up from down. I am not saying I should be treated with kid gloves, but since when do we cut a mother out of a child's life for GOOD? And the judge's referring to me as having "changed my mind twice".....I did NOT change my mind twice. I made good on my promise to Landon to allow him to raise his son, and we agreed that I would ALWAYS be a part of his life. It was Landon who changed the situation in the first instance, not I. Anthony would still be with Landon if Landon had not fucked up as greatly as he did. I changed my mind *once* and I stand by my very reasoning for allowing Landon to raise him, and then changing my mind about the Worthington's raising him. A child should ALWAYS be raised by his one or both of his parents, unless there is some HUGE reason a parent shouldn't be allowed, such as abuse, neglect, etc.
I am bitter at the Worthingtons and I realize they are bitter towards me. I do not want to be bitter towards them but they have made it clear that their egos can't handle the son they want to build fantastical lies around having contact with his Mother, his brother, his sister, his family. We will ALWAYS be his family, whether they like it or not. Always. Time, and make-believe will never change that. Strangely *I* was supposed to be the surrogate, and yet my child is being raised by a surrogate family. And that is what they will always be. A surrogate family. A foster family. I will NEVER stop fighting in court for the chance to know and see my son and be a part of his life. Ever. I deserve that and so does he.
I have so much to say, and very well may say something again before the night is over, and again tomorrow, and again the next day.
-R-
Anthony-I love you. With every beat of my heart I love you and miss you.
|
|
|
|
|
|
LiveJournal.com |
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.3){kind=small}
rachofslc's journal
